Works by Mr. Daniel C Tarsetti: Intensive Mothering in Practice

Intensive Mothering in Practice:

Interview and Analysis of a New Mother

Mr. Daniel C. Tarsetti

University of Maine

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In her groundbreaking work from 1996, Sharon Hays introduced the term “intensive mothering” to describe the unfair social expectations for how a mother should treat her child. Intensive mothering speaks to the expectations that motherhood today should be (and usually is) child-centered, expert-guided, emotionally absorbing, labor intensive and financially expensive (Hays). Her book, The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood uses this term as the backbone to an argument that criticizes mainstream ideology for telling mothers they must be whole-heartedly selfless towards their children in a society that otherwise rigidly promotes self-interest and independence. Hays’ work is a landmark piece of literature within the field of mothering and countless scholars have referenced her book within their own works. I have conducted my own interview with a young mother and will outline how this interview may conform with or challenge Hays’ ideas, as well as how it relates to other such works within the field of motherhood.

Marissa is the twenty-one year old mother of a newly born baby Anthony, fathered by her current boyfriend of twenty, Josh. Marissa and Josh, as well as their son Anthony, have all been given pseudonyms to protect their identity. Because of their young age both Marissa and Josh live at home with their parents in southern Maine, alternating living with one another until they are financially stable enough to rent a place their own place. Josh currently attends Endicott College in Massachusetts while Marissa splits time working at a nursing home and attending college locally at Southern Maine Community College. Josh’s and Marissa’s parents are both very active in helping to raise young Anthony.

In my first attempt to interview Marissa, we had to cancel the interview last minute because Marissa had a traveling conflict with her husband Josh. Immediately I was given a taste of the hectic lifestyle of parenting, before I was even able to sit down with her. Rescheduling proved to be equally as difficult, as Marissa’s schedule was crowded with school, work, and care-giving. We were able to find a time however and our agreed upon spot was at Josh’s house. Right when I arrived I noticed a distinctive aura to the home, a sort of “babyfying” transformation that had taken place at a house I had been to before. There was a rattle on the counter, baby clothes on the table, diapers in the corner, and several toys strewn across the floor in the living room. When I walked in the whole family was waiting for me, as if anticipating some big event. Both Josh’s mother and father were there along with his brother and another unidentified middle-aged woman who I speculate may have been an aunt. Of course the child himself, Anthony, was there as well. In a rocker in the center of the kitchen, a loose circle was formed around him clearly making him the center of attention. I spoke briefly with the family before and after the interview and unsurprisingly Anthony was the focus of conversation at all times.

Simply by being submerged into Anthony’s environment I could detect signs of intensive mothering. Intensive mothering states parenting should be child-centered and there was no doubt the child was the center of attention- both figuratively and literally, physically in the center. The toys and baby materials around point to the primary attention Anthony is given; though they also speak to the intensive mothering idea that parenting is financially expensive. None of the things present, including items such as diapers, toys, and his rocker could even be there without the financial resources to purchase them. With such tidbits in mind, I sat down with Marissa to delve deeper into the mind of this one mother.

Dan: Do you think people hold mothers responsible for how their child turns out?

Felicia: I think they do, yup.

Dan: Is this fair?

Felicia: Um, to a certain extent. I think when children are not disciplined, and they act out, I think that does fall a lot on the parents, because… well I just think about kids I see in the grocery store, where when they are just absolutely crazy, and they don’t listen…I feel like that was probably a lack of discipline.

It’s seems like a common and reasonable response: that if children misbehave, it’s the parents, or more specifically, the mothers fault, and we can see that sediment reflected here by Marissa. In fact, Susan J. Douglas and Meredith W. Michaels in their piece, The New Momism talk to the exact same scenario that Marissa referred to of having screaming kids in the grocery store. “To distract yourself, and to avoid the glares of other shoppers who have already deemed you the worst mother in America, you leaf through People Magazine” (617). It’s commonly agreed upon, the mother is responsible for the outcome of their child, “As I have noted, parents (especially mothers) understand themselves as largely responsible for the way their children turn out” (Hays 120). This assumption that mothers are responsible for their children’s behavior is usually so strong that many couldn’t fathom how this couldn’t be the case. But as scholars like Douglas & Michaels and Hays have shown, this can assumption can be problematic. This overpowering assumption puts enormous amounts of pressure on mothers to be perfect, and the fact it’s so assumed gives this expectation extreme strength. Ivana Brown recognizes this in her work, Ambivalence of the Motherhood Experience: “Cultural expectations of the idealized mother, who never has negative feelings toward a child, can cause ambivalence to grow into anxiety” (122). Marissa’s confirmation of this believe helps reinforce such cultural standards, as well as promotes a type of “mommy wars” that isolates mothers, something we’ll further discuss later in this paper. “Now, if you were a ‘good’ mom, you’d joyfully empty the shopping bags and transform the process of putting the groceries away into a fun game” (Douglas & Michaels 617).

One might ask, “Why are mothers held so largely responsible for their children’s behavior?” This assumption makes sense when we realize another commonly agreed notion, that the mother is the primary care-giver. If we believe this to be true, the correlation that the mother is responsible when her child acts up appears only logical. The idea that mothers should be the primary care-giver is one of Hays’ intensive mothering: “Implicit in such characterizations is the additional stereotype of women as nurturers and, by extension, those best suited for raising a child” (55). This notion the mother is the main care-giver goes hand-in-hand with the assumption that she is responsible for the outcome; these assumptions are only so powerful because mothers themselves believe in them too.

Marissa: I feel safer when I’m with him (becoming quieter), then when he is with someone else.

Here, Marissa doesn’t want to leave her son’s development to chance by admitting she’s worried when Anthony is with anybody else. Mothers indeed want to be with their children the most, in part because they understand that they will be held responsible for their child’s behavior and outcome, for better or worse.

As mentioned by Hays, this “stereotype of women as nurturers” stems from a biological argument that is at the core of the concept that mothers are best suited to care.

Marissa: I think a lot of it- or some of it [mothering]- is natural. I think everybody- well most people- have a mother instinct.

Marissa isn’t totally sold here, but we can see the notion that mothering is “natural” is definitely active within her thought process. Hays describes the standard narrative: “Thus one’s “natural” love for the “inherently” sacred child necessarily leads one to engage in [intensive mothering]” (129).

Dan: Who are the people, or the person, who you talk to the most about Anthony?

Marissa: Um, probably my sister, just because I’m the closest to her. So I don’t feel like ugh, it’s a silly question if I ask her something.

Marissa’s worries about asking a question she doesn’t know reflects society’s expectations that mothers should instinctively know their child’s desires and needs. She can only confide in her closest family members in order to avoid being judged for not already having the answers to motherhood. However outside the act of giving birth itself, evidence for mothers naturally being better caregivers runs thin: “The historical analysis also makes it clear that little of what we think of as crucial to appropriate child rearing today is an absolute or biological necessity” (Hays 22). Shaking this notion that women are biologically more fit to parent is a key aim of feminist work. Evelyn Glenn understands in her piece, Social Constructions of Mothering: A Thematic Overview, “In order to free women from the inevitability of current mothering arrangements, feminists have had to challenge theories that tie women’s position to biological imperatives” (4). In truth, it’s been historical decision making that has led us to the current culture of expectations in motherhood we face today. As Glen further explains, “Agency is central to an understanding of motherhood as a social, rather than biological, construct” (2).

It’s important to note here that though this motherhood “instinct” may lie within all women, it’s never unleashed until she has a child.

Marissa: Now I feel like it would be weird, and like, empty if I wasn’t a mother.

As Ann Snitow writes in her work Feminism and Motherhood, “There is…the nonmother’s guilt that she has evaded this mass sisterhood now elaborated for us all as full of joy and pain, blood and passion, that she has evaded the central life dramas of intimacy and separation” (299). There is a notion that remaining childless is an unfulfilling life, and even more, that having a child unlocks some all-knowing motherhood instinct. Ideas of valuing mothers over nonmothers were evident within Marissa’s dialogue.

Marissa: yup, so when she gives advice she compares it to when she was raising her kids- so I value it more than if the doctors didn’t have kids.

Marissa: I think anyone that’s had a kid, is an expert…in their own way. So I do take, obviously, mothers advice more than someone whose never had kids…

The idea that a mother is more capable than a nonmother is so assumed Marissa takes it to be obvious. This reflects the powerful norm outlined in intensive mothering and new momism that says women must be mothers to reach their full value.

Though we’ve already touched on it, Douglas & Michael’s concept of “the new momism” is an important idea that shares many of its beliefs with intensive mothering. They describe new momism as:

the instance that no woman is truly complete or fulfilled unless she has kids, that women remain the best primary caretakers of the children, and that to be a remotely decent mother, a women has to devote her entire physical, psychological, emotional and intellectual being, 24/7, to her children” (619).

New momism and intensive mothering (along with majority of motherhood academics) agree that women are expected to be primary caretakers, but the new momism really focuses on the idea that women can never fully live up to the popular expectations of motherhood even when giving 100% of their being. As Douglas & Michaels say, “From the moment we get up until the moment we collapse in bed at night; the media are out there, calling to us, yelling, ‘Hey you! Yeah, you! Are you really raising your kids right?’” (618). Like most mothers, Marissa wasn’t able to escape the media’s spotlight on motherhood and as new momism suggests, it didn’t help her, but instead added more pressure to her becoming a mom.

Marissa: When I was pregnant I used to watch- it’s called “A Baby Story”, it’s on TLC and it’s a story like from their pregnancy until delivery, just so I could get an idea of what delivery would be like.

Dan: Did that make you feel better about it? Or a little more worried?

Marissa: A little more worried.

Douglas & Michaels speak directly to potentially frustrated mothers: “You may be worn down by media images that suggest that however much you do for and love your kids, it is never enough.” Marissa has felt the need to seek out helpful sources, but they never seem to be enough for her. Even outside of television, the media’s pressure can be felt in all forms, including online.

Marissa: As bad as it is to say, I did use Goggle sometimes. Just like, how can I help my baby stop crying, and stuff like that. So I do look to the internet once in a while even though I know I shouldn’t, because if anything it worries me more than it comforts me.

Marissa’s repeated citations of unnerving media experiences support new momism’s claims that the media place an unfair amount of pressure on mothers to live up to unobtainable standards.

This trend towards copious media advice on mothering is a part of the expert-guided, intensive mothering ideology; it also has been largely derived from a movement known as “scientific motherhood.” “Scientific motherhood,” as outlined by Rima D. Apple in her essay Constructing Mothers: Scientific Motherhood in the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries, “is the insistence that women require expert scientific and medical advice to raise their children healthfully” (161).

Marissa: …I had a knowledge of babies and I think its helped. I think its made it easier for me. I think it would have been a lot harder and less successful if I was going into it blinded.

Ivana Brown see’s the continued market growth for motherly advice: “Indeed, more than seven hundred books on motherhood were published in the U.S. book market in the last two decades of the 20^th century” (123). From the early 20^th century onward, mothers have been expected to seek out “professional” resources in order to properly raise their child and this has placed enormous power into the medical media’s ability to influence the ideology of motherhood.

Dan: For books and child raising advice, have you read books on him?

Marissa: Yup! We read What to Expect When You’re Expecting”, which is a big one.

Dan: Classic, yup.

Marissa: Then we read, or we’re reading every month, What to Expect in the First Year.”

Popularized sources such as What to Expect reach millions of mothers as a sort of guidebook for normalcy. These sources tend to promulgate stereotypical female roles while reinforcing popular oppressive motherhood practices. The irony is, as we discussed earlier, there is supposedly a “natural, biological instinct” that mothers have that make them most suited for primary caretaking; this conflicts with the idea they simultaneously are in need of constant professional advice (often times formed by men). As Apple states it simply, ‘Such instruction positioned mothers as both responsible for their families and incapable of that responsibility.” (161)

Despite the pressure and contradictions mothers constantly face, it’s important to remember she should unequivocally love her child at all times to be a truly good mother, and any ambivalence is intolerable: “When acknowledged, ambivalence is often considered deviant or problematic (Brown 121). Societal expectations say if you don’t enjoy your mothering experience, you must be a bad mother: “The dissatisfied mothers feared hurting their children if they admitted how little they had liked mothering” (Snitow 290) In my interview with Marissa I noticed she was aware of these expectations and specifically made sure I knew that even if caring for her baby was challenging at points, she was not upset about it.

Marissa: I don’t think it’s demanding in a bad way. He…when he wants things he wants things. So it’s demanding in that way, but it’s not like a…it’s not annoyingly demanding, like “agh, I don’t want to do that.”

Marissa: …So it’s not advice in the sense of, do this, do this, but that’s my most important piece of advice, to enjoy everything.

Whether or not Marissa truly has never thought her baby’s been annoyingly demanding or truly has always enjoyed her experiences is unknown, but I’d hypothesis is probably has more to do with the expectation she shouldn’t ever feel annoyed. As Brown explains, societal pressure to be an ever-loving mother can have its side effects: “Ambivalence is made unmanageable because of every woman’s desire to be a good mother according to social definition” (122). To what extent each mother may feel ambivalence towards their child will surely vary, but societal expectations definitely create mothers who are more prone to hiding these feelings.

With such weighted responsibility placed squarely on the backs of mothers, it doesn’t come as much of a surprise that one of the major characteristics of both intensive mothering and new momism is making her child the top priority in her life. As we touched on earlier, this type of child-centered care is about attending to the child as much as possible, and we can see this type of care in a multitude of occasions with Marissa’s mothering.

Marissa: For the first few weeks it went everything on Anthony’s schedule. And then, now that he’s a little older, we try to keep him on a schedule, but there is leeway. If he doesn’t want to eat right at six, it’s not a big deal, we wait until he’s hungry…in a sense…He has a bath every night, after his bottle, so he does have a schedule, but it’s not too…set in stone.

Marissa: Though in a sense I feel like [working] takes away from him a little bit, because it’s time that I could…spend with him.

Marissa: He…when he wants things he wants things.

Marissa: it’s not just about me…it’s about Anthony.

This type of care can result in heavy coddling and at times Marissa seemed worried that if she doesn’t coddle enough she might lose her role as primary caregiver.

Marissa: I just don’t- I get nervous that he’ll be attached to his teachers, instead of…his parents…because he’s with them so much.

Furthermore, in speaking about her own experiences, she critiques her mother for not abiding by such child-centered expectations.

Marissa: I don’t mean to sound negative about my mom but…I don’t think she had the mindset that it had to be all about her kids. She was a little bit, self centered…

Clearly we can see Marissa relates “not being all about your kids” as a “negative” trait here, and this is a sentiment shared by most in current society. “Affectionate nurture is considered the absolutely essential foundation for the proper rearing of a child” (Hays 57). The standard for attention given to a child is high, and those mothers who don’t give adequate attention are deemed lacking and undesirable.

With all the discussion about mothers’ responsibilities, it seems prudent to at least touch on the father’s role as a parent as well. As has been outlined, mothers are the primary caregivers while fathers are left with less family responsibility yet more power. As Hays says, “In this scenario, fathers were the shepherds, mothers were the sheepdogs, and children were the sheep” (23). Amber Kinser, in Amber O’Reilly’s book Feminist Mothering, reflects a common scenario: “Somehow I had reproduced with him [husband] a model where the mother is responsible for all thinking and activity related to the children and the home” (132). When considering Marissa and Josh, Marissa seems quite pleased with the father’s role in the family.

Dan: Do you think Josh does as good a job as you?

Marissa: He does…very well. We take turns at feeding, and diapers, and who gets up with him.

However it’s relevant to note that Josh is away at school during the week. This supports the idea that a man’s career holds more merit over a women’s, whose primary focus should be with the family.

Marissa: When he’s at home we- it’s pretty equal. When Josh is at school, it’s me and Anthony.

Despite Josh spending substantially less time with Anthony than Marissa, she seems very accepting of his fatherly role. We could possibly point to societal norms here in that fathers simply aren’t held to the same high standards as mothers. As Douglas and Michaels understand, “After all, a dad who knows the name of his kids’ pediatrician and reads them stories at night is still regarded as a saint; a mother who doesn’t is a sinner” (622).

Intensive mothering has become such a popularly studied ideology mainly because of the extent to which it is grounded in truth. We must be very careful not to over-generalize, as no two mothers are exactly alike in their parenting styles. However, as we can see in my interview with this one particular mother, many practices of intensive mothering, as well as new momism, are predominately displayed. In fairness, Marissa can’t be pinned exactly to either of these ideologies as she showed some forms of resistance in recognizing the need to give her child space at times.

Marissa: I think at a certain point it’s developmentally important for them to be around other kids at day care.

She even admitted that she as a mother needs an occasional break as well.

Marissa: I would like not working because I could spend more time with him, but then, I think it is good to get away every once in a while.

Her small forms of resistance are a reminder that all mothers fall into some hybrid form of motherhood, even if they remain within most mainstream ideologies. It is also a reminder that motherhood is constantly changing, and as soon as we think we can identify its common practices, the ideologies can shift. Marissa is a loving mother who can’t easily be categorized into any one identity. However, we can see Sharon Hays’ intensive mothering is still very relevant today and intensive mothering still seems to have a place within common mainstream mothering practices.

Works Cited

Apple, R. (1995). "Constructing mothers: Scientific motherhood in the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries." Social History of Medicine 8(2): 161-178.

Brown, I. (2010). Ambivalence and the motherhood experience. 21st Century motherhood: Experience, identity, policy, agency. A. O'Reilly. New York: Columbia University Press: 121-139.